An Open Letter Urging Columbia University to Publish My 7th-grade Science Experiment

Dear Columbia Dept. of Biology,

My name is Sammy Anzer, and I am preparing for a biochemistry Ph.D. program. Currently, I’m teaching high school English in Denver until my findings are published.

The field of molecular biochemistry has yet to find an answer to the question posed in the early years of my scientific career. One such example is: “Which citrus juice freezes the fastest?” I conducted a trial run of the experiment in 2002. Unfortunately, further studies were suspended due to competing interests in the fields of basketball, video games, and mackin’ it to shorties’ after school.

When I presented my findings to Mr. Weggeland, I was awarded a 71 for the project and ‘Unsatisfactory’ in conduct. At the time, the scientific community wasn’t ready for the gravity of my discoveries. Similar circumstances have plagued groundbreaking and misunderstood scientists like Faraday, Galileo, and Nye.

The experiment includes several citrus juices that mix very well with tequila: orange, lemon/lime, tangerine, and pineapple.

Initially, my current shorty, a biology instructor, challenged pineapple’s classification as a citrus fruit.

However, after unrelenting effort, she has agreed to the merit and methodology of my experiment, stating: “It’s fine. Fine. Fine. Jesus, Sammy just let it go.”

Google, yahoo, and John Burgess (the diplomat) agree with her — for now.

The first run of my experiment was inconclusive due to the urban accommodations of a Reagan-era tapioca colored-refrigerator and an unethical due date — the Monday after spring break.

Weggeland, my 7th-grade “instructor”, made his jealousy clear when he advised that I begin a “new style of query.” I maintained my position and calmly stated that my work would not be discriminated against based on my fashion choices; further, it is highly inappropriate for a teacher to call me that.

When you review the data section of my tri-fold science board at Halsey JHS 157, you’ll see that my experiment concluded pineapple juice freezes the fastest. To further prove my favorite juice is the fastest freezing, trials must continue indefinitely.

In conclusion, I would make an excellent addition to the research done at Columbia University’s molecular biology dept, only if I’m able to approve of your ice receptacle trays and manage your molecular juices department working towards a reasonable tenure+bonus. These foundational needs will benefit man and citrus kind in the critical and noteworthy field of citrus juices.

Cheers,

Sammy Anzer

Inquiring minds everywhere want to know

Example ice tray. Citrus juice will be in the real ones.